aka my greatest contribution to the fandom yet. tag yourselves
Padparadscha
bucatini. sexy. suave. the best thing since sliced bread. way better than sliced bread actually. tragically hard to eat. like spaghetti but with a hole in the middle for surprise splashes of sauce and tragic comparisons with a certain rock
Watermelon tourmaline
ravioli. creative and cute, lots of possibilities. hides its true power inside
Phosphophyllite
gnocchi. round. cute. SOFT. a baby. an actual baby. must protecc.
Cairngorm
mac and cheese. problem child, italy hates it but the rest of the world thinks it’s legit pasta. trying to fit in, currently failing
Yellow Diamond
stelline. a metaphor for tears. tastes like grandma’s cooking and crushing disappointment. each star represents a different hope you lost as you grew older. smile and eat another spoonful
Alexandrite
spaghetti. traveled the world, ambassador of the italian culture. knows many things. too many things. hides trauma about being sold in tins under layers of sauce. lanky
Euclase
ditalini. cute, right? harmless, thats why you bought it. it was a stormy winter night and ditalini was the only pasta to welcome your frozen ass back home. you thought you still had some spaghetti left, but maybe you were wrong. you’re thankful, but not thankful enough. you buy new pasta. you never get to eat it. each time you open your pantry, ditalini is all you can find. you haven’t even bought ditalini in months. since winter started. when did winter start, exactly? it’s still cold, it’s been 6 months and it’s still winter. what’s happening to you? to time? to your pantry? you steal a glance at ditalini, looking for answers. the bag of ditalini smiles at you. this is okay.
Lapis
candele. Feeds on chaos. looks stylish but secretly evil, never eat this pasta. no seriously. there’s no proper way to eat it, you can only break it in smaller pieces and it’s gonna be a mess in any case. also it’s super good so it’ll trick you into buying more
Bort
maccheroni. the perfect pasta, squared and practical, goes well with just about everything. regularly looks down on other pasta. You’re all unworthy
Diamond
farfalle. frilly and fresh. trust issues. looks cute but actually hard to cook. kind of underwhelming once you’ve had it a few times and farfalle knows. secretly wants to become maccheroni
Zircon
penne. versatile, great with kids and with simple sauces. trying its best but hides behind maccheroni’s shadow
Cinnabar
filindeu. traditional forgotten pasta that only 3 grannies in a forgotten village in a forgotten region of sardinia still know how to make. looks intimidating, turns into literal soup. extremely edgy, hasn’t spoken to any other pasta in 2000 years.
Amethysts
gemelli. twisted and kind of creepy. spin it in your hands. keep spinning it. it’s like Archimedes’ screw. spin it again, slowly. it’s an endless loop. it’s fascinating. you can’t stop staring. your consciousness is gradually leaving your body, soon you’ll be free of this physical shell. soon.
Obsidian
lasagna. yeah yeah, the melted cheese looks like lava and obsidian is a volcanic glass. but also. is this pasta? is this a category in itself? how powerful is it exactly? and is obsidian a gem? a lunarian spy?? we may never know
Rutile
linguine. elegant and stylish. will slip away from your fork and from the conversation with a sassy remark. has a weird thing going on with bucatini but if you mention it, linguine will impale everyone in the room and then itself
Benito
fusilli. extremely underrated. 80% or the reason is because people are still fighting about what, exactly, classifies as fusilli. but you don’t need a dictionary to appreciate its uncomplicated goodness. someday y’all gonna run out of maccheroni and who’ll come to your rescue? who?? respect fusilli.
Jade
tortellini. on good terms with everyone in the family. a little shy, tends to take itself too seriously. full of good intentions and very, very soft
Ghost Quartz
maccheroncini. mac ‘n cheese’s unproblematic sibling. no cheese, only mac. not so secretly empty inside
Red Beryl
reginette. swirly and creative. arguably the most stylish pasta around. looks like elegant ribbons and is not afraid to call you out on your horrible fashion choices. it’s not wrong though, where did you even find those socks?
Antarcticite
quadrucci. look at it. just look. isn’t it adorable? cute, tiny squares of regular size, arithmetic never looked so comforting. Good and unproblematic, only here to dispense your soup with love and understanding. Perfect for winter
Admirabilis
conchiglie. it literally means seashells. i know. i was running out of ideas. comes in different sizes and levels of pretentiousness, can probably speak latin
Aechmea
ruote. wth. wth?? look at that, look at that it’s all weird. this is not pasta. everyone hates this. bring this weird thing away from me
