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Let’s Have Another Bullet Point Story, Courtesy of a Friend



  • So I have a friend that used to be in the tumblers troupe at the renfaire as a contortionist
  • We were chatting online and she told me to tell you all this story.

  • I love Kat dearly
  • but she forgets that she’s stupid strong and hypermobile

  • so one day she throws her back out
  • bad enough that she needed painkillers and couldn’t stand upright
  • “But also I needed Tampons and like.  A Burrito, real bad.”
  • she’s flat on her back in her apartment when she decides this
  • and, in an

  • impeccable

  • leap of reasoning, decides
  • “I can’t roll my back forward to sit/stand up like normal.
  • But I can ARCH my back just fine.
  • SO 
  • I’m going to do that and get on my hands and feet in a stomach-in-the-air this-shit-belongs-in-a-horror-movie-type pose,
  • And amble on down to the 7-11”

  • “And get me that Burrito”

  • It is, 
  • for context, 
  • after midnight in July during a wildfire so it’s hot as satan’s own asshole and the moon is red and shit’s already generally cursed.

  • Imagineyou are some poor sap working nights at the world’s deadest 7-11, and you hear the door jangle but you don’t see anyone’s head over the counters.
  • Whatever.
  • Except you keep hearing noises like there’s someone in the next aisle over.  
  • Fucking around in the burrito section
  • It’s also worth mentioning that Kat
  • 1. sings whatever earworm is currently running through her head when she’s not paying attention
  • 2. sounds EXACTLY like some kind of creepy child from a horror movie when doing so
  • tonight’s song is something from veggietales.


  • and/or is really fucking high and isn’t sure if he’s tripping balls or notanyway
  • Kat goes up to pay for her burrito and tampons
  • She realizes the counter presents something of a challenge, and then demonstrates for me on her kitchen table at 4AM during a different july wildfire, 
  • exactly 
  • how she used the shelves to climb up the counter 
  • like one of the boston robotics beasties

  • dude stares at her for like, five minutes and says.

  • “Register’s broke.”

  • “Oh No!” Says Kat.
    “Just Take ‘em.”
    “Really?  I can leave cash-you don’t have to give me change I don’t want you to get in trouble with your manager.”
    “Oh!  OK!  Thank you!”
    “Yeah ok bye.”

  • Shortly after she arrived back at the apartment, she got a text on her phone from the campus security about  "A Suspicious Individual” at tle 7-11. 

  • It took her 
  • FOUR
  •  to realize she was the suspicious individual

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