Let’s Have Another Bullet Point Story, Courtesy of a Friend

gallusrostromegalus:

• So I have a friend that used to be in the tumblers troupe at the renfaire as a contortionist
• We were chatting online and she told me to tell you all this story.
  
  
• I love Kat dearly
• but she forgets that she’s stupid strong and hypermobile
  
  
• so one day she throws her back out
• bad enough that she needed painkillers and couldn’t stand upright
• “But also I needed Tampons and like.  A Burrito, real bad.”
• she’s flat on her back in her apartment when she decides this
• and, in an
  
  
• impeccable
  
  
• leap of reasoning, decides
  
• “I can’t roll my back forward to sit/stand up like normal.
• But I can ARCH my back just fine.
• SO 
• I’m going to do that and get on my hands and feet in a stomach-in-the-air this-shit-belongs-in-a-horror-movie-type pose,
• And amble on down to the 7-11”
  
  
• “And get me that Burrito”
  
  
• It is, 
• for context, 
• after midnight in July during a wildfire so it’s hot as satan’s own asshole and the moon is red and shit’s already generally cursed.
  
  
• Imagineyou are some poor sap working nights at the world’s deadest 7-11, and you hear the door jangle but you don’t see anyone’s head over the counters.
• Whatever.
• Except you keep hearing noises like there’s someone in the next aisle over.  
• Fucking around in the burrito section
• It’s also worth mentioning that Kat
• 1. sings whatever earworm is currently running through her head when she’s not paying attention
• 2. sounds EXACTLY like some kind of creepy child from a horror movie when doing so
• tonight’s song is something from veggietales.
  
  
  
• DUDE ACTUALLY STANDS HIS GROUND
  
  
• and/or is really fucking high and isn’t sure if he’s tripping balls or notanyway
• Kat goes up to pay for her burrito and tampons
• She realizes the counter presents something of a challenge, and then demonstrates for me on her kitchen table at 4AM during a different july wildfire, 
• exactly 
• how she used the shelves to climb up the counter 
• like one of the boston robotics beasties
  
  
  
• dude stares at her for like, five minutes and says.
  
  
  
• “Register’s broke.”
  
  
• “Oh No!” Says Kat.
  “Just Take ‘em.”
  “Really?  I can leave cash-you don’t have to give me change I don’t want you to get in trouble with your manager.”
  “…Nah.”
  “Oh!  OK!  Thank you!”
  “Yeah ok bye.”
  
  
• Shortly after she arrived back at the apartment, she got a text on her phone from the campus security about  "A Suspicious Individual” at tle 7-11. 
  
  
• It took her 
• FOUR
• FUCKING 
• YEARS
•  to realize she was the suspicious individual